The 7 profiles of Eurobubble football players

As I explained in an earlier post, futsall in the Eurobubble is a matter of life and death. Participating in a Eurobubble futsall game reaches the same level of PR skills required to attend drinks afert a Commission’s cabinet meeting. Like in every networking event, you can always identify some profiles that usually go around these ones:

The David Beckham model

Super expensive brand new Nike shoes (110€), latest FC Barcelona shirt (90€) (they all support Barcelona of course) Puma socks of their national team (30€) with Adidas lacets to keep them tight (10€) and hair holding string (price unknown/depending on the area).

The David Beckhams are those who spend as much as a PSG player in clothing (for a futsall game). They come to the game in a suit on a Sunday pretending they just had a business lunch while they actually wore it to get people to ask them “Why are you dressed like that?” For them, every accessory is fundamental: from the bag, to the  shower slippers to…SHIN GUARD??? Seriously, shin guards???

They bring girlfriends to the games cause they need somebody to look at them but unfortunately they pretty much all suck at football. Typicallly they have moderately paid jobs in leadership and business management consultancies.

The Balotellis

The pitch is booked for one hour, not two. Nevertheless, every team has its latecomers, those for whom the bus is always late, the metro is always on fire and the traffic light is always red. They always make you start playing 4 vs 5 and if you get angry at them they lift their shirts saying “Why always me?”

They gather hatred from everyone and they know that a Pepe-like tackle is about to come onto their ankles. They work for the European Associations of Whatever or the European Think Tank of Nobody Cares About it. Badly paid. Couldn’t care less about you.

The Gazzas

gazza_gascoigneThese are the best. Eurobubble football games are usually during the weekend and whether it is on a Saturday or a Sunday, you will always have someone coming to the pitch at 5.30PM smelling of Bacardi and Coke.

For early hours games, these guys are likely to come directly from St. Gery or Spirito Martini. They usually display incredible skills, dribblings, amazing passes…for about 4 and half minutes when they collapse to ground asking for a durum with Samurai sauce. They are stagiares with a bright future ahead of them in politics.

The Ibrahimovics

95% of the times, teams don’t have a goalie. In this case you either rotate the goalie or the fattest dude has to pay his toll unless he starts getting on salads. However, you always have an Ibra in the team. Somebody that doesn’t give a damn about it and, strangely, his shifts between the posts always last between 15 and 30 seconds after which they shout “Hey I’ve been in the goal for an hour!”. They tackle to the limit and push you like in a Taekwondo match.

They love politics and they are mosly MEPs assistants for some really unknown guy of the Federal European Party for Extreme Application of a Political Doctrine.

The Cristiano Ronaldos

Perfect. They prepare the game like Holly in the World Cup final to finally go meet Roberto (I’m making a metaphore with Captain Tsubasa, I’m not sure if this applies to all countries but Italians and Spaniards would know). In the dressing rooms, they look at themselves into the mirror, one more hand of hair gel and they’re ready to go.  They manage to reach the level of concentration equivalent to a tight away Champions League semi-final after a 1-1 at home. They enter the pitch, looking at the ball trying not to look into the Sky TV cameras. It’s a pity that games are actually played in a shitty school pitch in the suburbs of Brussels (Kraainem, Stokkel or Auderghem).

Usually they are EC staff who spend their Sundays playing PES and commenting their video games performances.

The Sergio Busquets

Sergio_Busquets_cheatThey dive, they dive and dive again, screaming like they have just been hit by a truck and appealing the to European Court of Justice to examine their case. When they realize how ridiculous their act turned out to be they start complaining louder. Usually, the theory goes “the more bureaucratic your job description is the more you dive”.

They happen to all work in HR. This is the typical profile you can find from stagiares at the Committee of the Regions or EESC. They appeal to rules they’ve just invented to excuse themselves for their insignificance.

The Peles

Unstoppable, unmanageable, fast, athletics, precise and deadly. They have actually played good football in their life and probably gave it up to go to Uni or have family and careers etc…Fools.

They always play in the other team. They do a stage in Council for 5 months then their awesomeness takes them away to play new tournaments around the world. Too good footballers to stay in the Eurobubble. They would be misunderstood.

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